Letter To Mom

(DISCLAIMER: I rarely let people into my world to see my vulnerabilities. My most intimate moments are never expressed in casual conversations. However, sometimes in life, you have to let the world hear your cries... and maybe that will help the healing process. This is a letter to my deceased mom. One that I can never send)

Dear Mom,

I know you're surprised to hear from me. 10 years go by really fast. So much time has passed by, but I think about you everyday. I'm sure God is keeping you very busy. You're probably up there trying to redecorate the clouds. Well, I just wanted to write you to give you an update on things... just in case you missed any moments. After you took your new position in heaven, things were kinda rough for Dad and I. We didn't know how we could make it without you, but we leaned on each other and stayed strong. I've changed so much since you've left. As you probably can see, I got a lot taller... And I got facial hair now. :-) Oh yeah, you were right, It was just baby fat. I started shedding pounds as I got older. Unfortunately, my head is still big, but you knew that was never going to change. A year after you left, I ran out and got some tattoos. I remember when you got yours and I thought it was something that I would be too scared to do. I guess I got pass that fear and I may have gotten addicted. But on the bright side, your name and initials are all over me. I wanted to look in the mirror and see you. Funny thing is that everybody say that I look just like you. (they say you spit me out... I never knew what that meant) :-) I don't know if you ever had time to catch me in the mirror staring for hours, but if you did, I was actually looking for you... Hahaha, you know I'm silly. Well, Dad is holding things together. He did everything to make sure that I had everything that I needed growing up. Oh yeah, he kept his promise. He made sure I went to college and graduated. I think he knew you would come and get him if he didn't. Going through life without you was so tough. Sometimes I just wanted to come to you about girl problems I was having or just to get your opinion on decisions that I would make. Dad gave great advice, but you know he's kinda rough around the edges. :-) Oh yeah.. before I forget, Brandon is doing good. Out of all the guys that you saw me grow up with, he's the only one who stuck around. Who would've ever knew that we would go from boy scouts to adulthood in the blink of an eye. He drives me crazy, but I love him like he was your son. Speaking of your sons, I haven't spoke to Jimmy in years. I know you're kinda disappointed, but it was hard keeping up with him. You were the glue that kept us bonded and once you left, everything changed. I do think about him occasionally. Especially in October, since your birthdays are so close together. I'm sorry if my thoughts are jumping all over the place. Its just that I wanna tell you so much. I miss you so much. While I'm writing you this letter I was just thinking about how late it is. I wonder what time it is in heaven. You know dad is sleep right now (maybe you're talking to him in his dreams). He still goes to sleep after the lottery goes off. HAHAHHA ;-) Old man! By the way, I know your mad that I haven't been to church in a while. I still remember when I couldn't wait to go to church with you so I could play the drums and show off my dress clothes. I just couldn't pull myself to go back. But my faith is still strong, Mom... and I will eventually get back into the house of God. Let Him know that its nothing against Him. Church just held emotional baggage over me, but I know He will help me get pass that. Sometimes I just think about the day you left. It was so hard to accept that God needed you up there. I remember the night before, when we stayed up watching the Million Dollar Movie on ABC. I remember telling you that I wanted to learn how to do CPR. Who would've ever thought that I would have to do it the next morning? I still can visualize me pushing down on your chest, hoping that I was doing something to bring you back. But you always said that God works in mysterious ways. The ironic thing is that a lot of your ways are in me. Somehow I took an interest in art. I remember watching you do those abstract paintings and thinking you were the coolest Mom ever. (I want you to know that I still have them hanging up in the living room). One of your characteristics that I didn't get to embody is your forgiving ways. Mom, it was so easy for you to forgive. Maybe one day I'll learn how to let go and not hold grudges. Well, I gotta give you my life gossip before I close this letter. As you probably know, I'm not married yet. I don't even know if I will ever get married (we probably need to have a private conversation about that when I talk to you tonight). I'm not even in a relationship. That might be because I don't know how to let people get close to me. I think subconsciously I have embraced an idea that love is the slowest form of pain. Losing you kinda made a dark cloud follow me every time I made any attempts to love someone. Oh, I don't have any kids either. But if I ever do get married and have a daughter, I'm going to name her Elizabeth Marie. Or maybe Marie Elizabeth... either way, I think both of your names are beautiful. Dad and I still hang out a whole lot. We don't go fishing the way we did when you were here, but we make sure we take time out of everyday just to talk about life. I know he misses you just as much as I do. I try not to bring you up too much because I don't wanna make him cry... or maybe I don't wanna make myself cry. I know you're going to laugh at this, but somehow I've inherited Dad's neat freak ways. You already knew I was a perfectionist, but it got so much worst. Everything has to be in order. But, cleanliness is next to Godliness. Matter fact, if you get time... ask Him if that's really true. :-)
I wish I could see how those wings look on you. You probably look beautiful with them on. Well, I know you have God's work to help out with. If you have time, twinkle a star to let me know that you got this. I Love You infinity x infinity. (i know you're gonna try to top that, but I win!) I miss you tons! See you in my dreams!

Forever
Your Loving Son,

Dennis Jr.

P.S. Does heaven have cable? Or is it like a big screen up there with some type of Direct TV hook-up, showing the world and people living their lives? :-) Never mind, I know that's an angel's secret. When you see Uncle Paul, tell him that dad picked up his lottery habits. Send him a lucky number or two!
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"I wanna tell you something
Show you in so many ways
Cause it would all mean nothing if I don't say something before it all goes away
Don't wanna wait to bring you flowers, waste another hour, let alone another day
I'm gonna tell you something, show you something, won't wait till it's too late."
-Alicia Keys