Carried By 2 Angels

Carried By 2 Angels (Journal Entry 1.3.12) by Senseless Genius

It's been a while since I've posted my thoughts. Life carries me away with the usual waves, but I always find my way back. I wanna use this post to reflect, and at the same time, reconnect with my writing. I never wanted to forsake the craft, but I've felt so disconnected from any creative realms of expression. It's hard dealing with death. Regardless of your strength, losing loved ones can break you down to your lowest capacity. My father, Dennis W. Perkins Sr., passed away on February 8, 2011. He joined his wife; my mother, Elizabeth M. Perkins (sunset 7.10.98), in heaven. This past year has felt surreal. Sometimes I can't believe that both of my parents are gone. The people who are dually responsible for bringing me in this world, are no longer here to explore it with me. The Bible says "Time and chance happens to us all", and I truly believe that things happen within God's plan. I try not to dwell on time missed, but rather I cherish the time well spent. After my mom passed away in 1998, my father and I formed an unbelievable bond. His existence in my life was more than just a father, and nothing less than the best friend that a son could've been blessed with. He helped me cope with not having my mom around at a young age. I only hope that I helped him cope with not having his wife around. This month, I will be celebrating the love of the two angels in my life. I find peace in knowing they're in the best HANDS possible. My parents wedding anniversary is January 17th, which is also my father's birthday. Their love unconditionally defines me. I look to thank them in my sleep and we celebrate in my dreams. They gave me a chance at life, I pray that God offers them paradise.
*XVII*PERKINS

Dennis W. Perkins Sr.
Sunrise 1.17.50 - Sunset 2.8.11

Elizabeth M. Perkins
Sunrise 10.14.60 - Sunset 7.10.98

Best I Never Had

"And if I ever (ever fall) in love again--- I will be sure that the lady is a friend. And if I ever (ever fall) in love again--- I will be sure that the lady`s just like you."

You know a lot of girls be... Thinking my blogs are about them, This is not to get confused--- This ones for You. After writing about a multitude of issues, I came to the realization that I rarely write from the heart instead of the brain. The primary purpose of having a blog is being able to share your strong views & opinions. Yet, also to confront and give a written identity to the indecisiveness, vulnerabilities, and Achilles heels, that life's path create for you. With that being said, I offer you a free spirited--- "writers choice", in which is a revealing moment that gives confirmation that even the writer can sometimes become the focal point of the pen.
This post is a letter that I'm writing to a female who is my girlfriend in my own mind, but in reality, she exists only as an exclusive thought. Signed, Sealed, & Never Delivered.

"Best I Never Had" by Senseless Genius

Dear You,

I waited up for you last night. I cooked your favorite dish. You know--- that meal that I cooked the first night we spent together. I was kinda disappointed that I had to eat alone. I stared across the table, hoping that you would come through the door and fill the seat at the other end. Unfortunately, my wishful thinking was to no avail. Despite you missing dinner, I was sure that you would arrive in time to relax your body in the hot bath water that I ran for you. I even put rose petals in the water--- just the way you like it. But, as you can imagine, the steam from the water eventually faded, and the rose petals shriveled up. Its alright though--- it's more roses where those petals came from. You would have been so excited when you walked in and realized that I lit the rooms with those scented candles that you like --- every time I smell that scent, I think about you. I remember when I bought the wrong candles that time--- I thought that scent was the only candle that comes in that particular color [Guess I was wrong]. But back to our planned evening-- you won't believe what CD that I found--- yup, that one. Every song on there, reminds me of you. When I listen to it, I feel like the lyrics were written just for us. Oh, and remember earlier in this letter, I mentioned more roses--- well, I made sure I had enough petals that I could make a path from the door to the bedroom. I was so sure that you wouldn't notice them until you got to the bed-- but I still wanted to give you the path of a queen. Since I'm on the subject of queens, I wanted to share with you this interesting quote that i read today --- "A King should always separate himself from all of the other Jacks and stay away from the Clubs. The Queen will appreciate being his Ace, only when he stops thinking that Diamonds are the answer and start giving his Heart." --- I thought that was such a cool way of using wordplay with the deck. I knew you would appreciate that. I think you're the only one who really likes brain teasers more than me. I still can't believe that you didn't show up. I really anticipated a romantic night with you. I even wanted to give you that full body massage so that I could knead out all of the tension produced by your work days. Sometimes I wonder if you think about me when you're at work-- I'm sure that you know that you don't have to ask "when do I think about you?". Because the more suitable question would be "when don't I think about you?". I hope this letter is making you smile while reading it, the way it makes my thoughts smile while writing it.-- Well, I just wanted you to know that I'm not mad that you didn't show up. Actually, I'm starting to get used to not seeing you. That still does not stop me from thinking about you. I know that you appreciate all my efforts, but I would like to occasionally hear from you. Timing might be terrible for the both of us, but I don't wanna get to the point where we barely know each other. Please try to find me in the crowd. I'll be waiting.

P.S. Whether you know it or not, we were made for one another. It just takes time to realize that the puzzle piece that you were looking for, was sitting in front of you the whole time--- just flipped over.

Forever & Never Yours,
Me

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I leave You with my Final Thought of the day…
This letter was written from my perspective of loving a person in your own mind. Creating anticipation through thoughts of experiences that don't exist. This letter reveals the abstract notion of trying to grab a hold of something that is not there. Searching for mutual love from a sentiment created purely by a desire. Now, in the opening statements of this post, I mentioned confronting vulnerabilities--- if a person can win a battle that isn't fought, maybe a person can love something that has never been pursued. Even if loving a stranger is not possible, it will always be the thought that counts.
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“Are You Not Entertained? Are You Not Entertained?”
“Is This Not Why You Are Here?”
-Your Thoughts Have Just Been Upgraded by Mr. Perkins-

Senseless Genius ©

Letter To Mom

(DISCLAIMER: I rarely let people into my world to see my vulnerabilities. My most intimate moments are never expressed in casual conversations. However, sometimes in life, you have to let the world hear your cries... and maybe that will help the healing process. This is a letter to my deceased mom. One that I can never send)

Dear Mom,

I know you're surprised to hear from me. 10 years go by really fast. So much time has passed by, but I think about you everyday. I'm sure God is keeping you very busy. You're probably up there trying to redecorate the clouds. Well, I just wanted to write you to give you an update on things... just in case you missed any moments. After you took your new position in heaven, things were kinda rough for Dad and I. We didn't know how we could make it without you, but we leaned on each other and stayed strong. I've changed so much since you've left. As you probably can see, I got a lot taller... And I got facial hair now. :-) Oh yeah, you were right, It was just baby fat. I started shedding pounds as I got older. Unfortunately, my head is still big, but you knew that was never going to change. A year after you left, I ran out and got some tattoos. I remember when you got yours and I thought it was something that I would be too scared to do. I guess I got pass that fear and I may have gotten addicted. But on the bright side, your name and initials are all over me. I wanted to look in the mirror and see you. Funny thing is that everybody say that I look just like you. (they say you spit me out... I never knew what that meant) :-) I don't know if you ever had time to catch me in the mirror staring for hours, but if you did, I was actually looking for you... Hahaha, you know I'm silly. Well, Dad is holding things together. He did everything to make sure that I had everything that I needed growing up. Oh yeah, he kept his promise. He made sure I went to college and graduated. I think he knew you would come and get him if he didn't. Going through life without you was so tough. Sometimes I just wanted to come to you about girl problems I was having or just to get your opinion on decisions that I would make. Dad gave great advice, but you know he's kinda rough around the edges. :-) Oh yeah.. before I forget, Brandon is doing good. Out of all the guys that you saw me grow up with, he's the only one who stuck around. Who would've ever knew that we would go from boy scouts to adulthood in the blink of an eye. He drives me crazy, but I love him like he was your son. Speaking of your sons, I haven't spoke to Jimmy in years. I know you're kinda disappointed, but it was hard keeping up with him. You were the glue that kept us bonded and once you left, everything changed. I do think about him occasionally. Especially in October, since your birthdays are so close together. I'm sorry if my thoughts are jumping all over the place. Its just that I wanna tell you so much. I miss you so much. While I'm writing you this letter I was just thinking about how late it is. I wonder what time it is in heaven. You know dad is sleep right now (maybe you're talking to him in his dreams). He still goes to sleep after the lottery goes off. HAHAHHA ;-) Old man! By the way, I know your mad that I haven't been to church in a while. I still remember when I couldn't wait to go to church with you so I could play the drums and show off my dress clothes. I just couldn't pull myself to go back. But my faith is still strong, Mom... and I will eventually get back into the house of God. Let Him know that its nothing against Him. Church just held emotional baggage over me, but I know He will help me get pass that. Sometimes I just think about the day you left. It was so hard to accept that God needed you up there. I remember the night before, when we stayed up watching the Million Dollar Movie on ABC. I remember telling you that I wanted to learn how to do CPR. Who would've ever thought that I would have to do it the next morning? I still can visualize me pushing down on your chest, hoping that I was doing something to bring you back. But you always said that God works in mysterious ways. The ironic thing is that a lot of your ways are in me. Somehow I took an interest in art. I remember watching you do those abstract paintings and thinking you were the coolest Mom ever. (I want you to know that I still have them hanging up in the living room). One of your characteristics that I didn't get to embody is your forgiving ways. Mom, it was so easy for you to forgive. Maybe one day I'll learn how to let go and not hold grudges. Well, I gotta give you my life gossip before I close this letter. As you probably know, I'm not married yet. I don't even know if I will ever get married (we probably need to have a private conversation about that when I talk to you tonight). I'm not even in a relationship. That might be because I don't know how to let people get close to me. I think subconsciously I have embraced an idea that love is the slowest form of pain. Losing you kinda made a dark cloud follow me every time I made any attempts to love someone. Oh, I don't have any kids either. But if I ever do get married and have a daughter, I'm going to name her Elizabeth Marie. Or maybe Marie Elizabeth... either way, I think both of your names are beautiful. Dad and I still hang out a whole lot. We don't go fishing the way we did when you were here, but we make sure we take time out of everyday just to talk about life. I know he misses you just as much as I do. I try not to bring you up too much because I don't wanna make him cry... or maybe I don't wanna make myself cry. I know you're going to laugh at this, but somehow I've inherited Dad's neat freak ways. You already knew I was a perfectionist, but it got so much worst. Everything has to be in order. But, cleanliness is next to Godliness. Matter fact, if you get time... ask Him if that's really true. :-)
I wish I could see how those wings look on you. You probably look beautiful with them on. Well, I know you have God's work to help out with. If you have time, twinkle a star to let me know that you got this. I Love You infinity x infinity. (i know you're gonna try to top that, but I win!) I miss you tons! See you in my dreams!

Forever
Your Loving Son,

Dennis Jr.

P.S. Does heaven have cable? Or is it like a big screen up there with some type of Direct TV hook-up, showing the world and people living their lives? :-) Never mind, I know that's an angel's secret. When you see Uncle Paul, tell him that dad picked up his lottery habits. Send him a lucky number or two!
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"I wanna tell you something
Show you in so many ways
Cause it would all mean nothing if I don't say something before it all goes away
Don't wanna wait to bring you flowers, waste another hour, let alone another day
I'm gonna tell you something, show you something, won't wait till it's too late."
-Alicia Keys